Why won't he help me?

I ask that you please pray for me brothers and sisters. I've been dealing with doubts and pain in my heart and life and have began to lose faith and belief in god. I struggle with ocd and scrupulosity badly and it has affected my life terribly. I've asked god desperately for help and I never seem to get an answer. Seems like my entire life and journey is an endless loop off struggle a few hours of happiness then more struggle. I ask god for mercy but it seems like he throws me straight back into the storm and sea of doubts and ignores my prayers. Even though god promises to not leave us or forsake us I feel like im being destined for failure. I cry, pray, read the Bible, repent, try to let go and it seems like the storms overwhelm me. However this one has done what feels like permanent damage to me. Lost so much faith, belief and whatever little trust i had in god and now I'm broken. I'm so angry and upset with him and ask for mercy but it seems like he won't stop punishing me for my failures and I'm just so close to giving up. I want to so bad but there's like a small string holding me from running and I'm just a broken man. Where is he when I'm broken and afraid and sad? I've even told him I have bitterness towards him and unfortunately even beginning to hate him. This pain just seems endless and he won't take it away and I'm just so tired and weak and beg for mercy but it never stops. How am I supposed to grow from this when the storm is constantly overwhelming me to the point now i don't even want to try anymore and have began to hate the man who has created me and now beginning to question if christiananity is true. I'm just so fed up I've even looked for ways to try and disprove it's existence as true. I'm hurting badly and it feels like god has abandoned me. Please pray for me in this darkness