Anyone else feel purposeless without an addiction

Ive not had an addiction free period since i was 11, i’ve been addicted from pleasure to stimulants. Sometimes i feel like my addiction is the only thing i have left. I feel like it gives me purpose i understand how fucked that sounds, but for years its the only thing i have drive for consistently. I miss my previous more “harmful” addictions because it made me feel alive, i still felt like me. Now i’m down to two addictions, nicotine and weed but i feel purposeless. Sure I may have been more physically fucked but i was somewhat okay mentally, i could function somehow even when i was a full blown addict. Now I’m not endangering myself, i haven’t touched hard drugs in abt 8mths, i haven’t self harmed in months, nor have i tried to kill myself. To everyone else i appear to be doing amazing but this is actually the worst i have ever been mentally. Im suicidal usually 4 times a day at least for completely separate reasons, my emotions are changing within minutes. I genuinely believe i am going insane. I also have adhd(not allowed meds for obvious reasons tho). I feel as if everything that made me, me is gone. Sometimes i’m reminded of my actual personality though its rare, i feel lost and i don’t remember how i really am but i want to be how i was.