No manual for this

Definitely no manual for it. I was using a throwaway but i need less compartmentalisation right now. I experienced some sexual abuse from a client and also a rape.

Its all being investigated by the police but i think it was the repeated retelling that helped me connect to how the rape was retaliation for therapeutic intervention. He basically decided that my offering of the intervention meant that i thought he couldn’t sexually perform. So he performed.

It’s literally never crossed my mind when considering how a client might respond to a challenge/intervention that the response could be rape. Even though i know that i didnt actually cause the outcome, Ive been thinking about how to do it differently.

Ive also been thinking about how to return to work. Before i was placed on leave, i had all this dissociation to stop me connecting things. When i go back im probably going to “feel it” for the first time. It was my safe place. Working in a room, in a clinic that is in a hospital with key cards etc..its supposed to be safer. It was always only as safe as the people inside but still..

Im on a waiting list for therapy but in meantime just stuck on leave trying to “process” whatever tf that means. 🫠